entertainment/movies
Top five of the bottom five
(December 23rd, 2004 - 9:04PM)
There have been some excellent movies released this year,
and I've had a good time in the theatres earlier in 2004. However,
this season's winter films seem a little lackluster. Here are
my recap of the five worst movies this winter.
A disclaimer: I have obviously not seen any of the movies mentioned
below. This is because, as a columnist, my intent is to remain
objective and unbiased. Being exposed to the suckage of the movies
below would bias my answers.
Without further ado, here are the five worst movies of this season.
5: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
A movie where Jim Carrey once again tries to play a "significant"
role. Therefore, this movie is doomed to suckage. Any movie where
Jim Carrey attempts to impress is doomed to failure. One day,
Jim Carrey will just have to realize that people don't want to
see him act, they want to see him talk out of his ass.
4: Not available
3: Closer
How is Jude Law able to make so many movies so quickly?
This has to be the fourth movie he's released in the past six
months. I've seen Jude Law so many times this year that I'm starting
to see him in my dreams, and not just the homoerotic ones.
This movie sucks because the market is already so oversaturated
with Jude Law movies that nobody wants to see it. Who cares about
a love triangle between Jude, Julia and King Arthur?
2: Alexander
This movie has Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie. That's
sex appeal for both genders. And it still tanked! That's a testiment
to how bad this movie must be.
Nobody wants to see hot men play famous military leaders from
thousands of years ago. And people certainly don't want to see
hot women playing their mothers.
1: Fat Albert
I want to meet the guy who green-lighted this movie.
"Hey! Why don't we release a movie based on a Bill Cosby
cartoon? We could get one of those two black guys from SNL to
play Fat Albert! You know, the two guys who are still being 'featured.'
And let's release it on Christmas! Nobody has anything better
to do then! Is that PROFIT I smell?"
I couldn't think of an entry for number four. Sorry, guys. I'm
sure you can think of one for me.
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